Jokes for you.

doctor- i have some bad news and some very bad news.
patient- give me the bad news first.
doctor- the lab called with your test results. u have 24 hours to live.
patient.- that's terrible! what could b more worse than this?
doctor- i have been tring to reach u since yesterday!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
patient- please doctor help me. i have been stung by a bee.
doctor- dont worry . i'll put some cream on it.
pat..-u'll never find the bee. it must be miles away by now.
doc..- no no please understand. i'll put some cream on the place u were stung.
pat..-oh! it happened in the garden where i was sitting under a tree.
doc..- u #$%&! i mean in which part of the body did the bee sting.
pat..- it stung me on my finger.
doc..- which one?
pat..-how am i to know? all the bees look the same to me

Managers & engineer
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced
altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where
I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're
going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically
engineers... No wonder!!!!!

A hen lays an egg at Indo-Pak border. Both countries start fighting
over egg. Finally Indians say whoever kiss more women in other
country will keep the egg. Pakistan say ok. Indians go to Pakistan
and kiss 1000 women. Excited Pakistan say its our turn now.
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Indians say: Keep the egg.

Witty answers - read and enjoy ... :))

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

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Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

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Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

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Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

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Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

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Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

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Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

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Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
The game went into extra time.

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Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

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A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
A scotch and soda."

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Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

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An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

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Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

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1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.

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Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

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Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

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Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

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Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,

"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

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